The parental pitch-in

We just can't help but want to help our adult kids...

There’s something about being in your adult offspring’s home that makes you want to pitch in. You want to make their lives easier and show your love for them by tidying up, stocking up, and yes, perhaps even scattering a few of your own personal touches around…

A mom will always be a mom no matter the age of her children. And many of us moms have a hard time letting go of the mothering instinct even when our kids are full grown, completely independent adults.

When I was college-aged and well into my twenties, I noticed a strange phenomenon whenever I’d go back home to visit my parents. I sort of regressed. I went back to acting like I was a teenager again.

I expected to be parented and let my newfound adulting skills slide. I thoroughly enjoyed the break from adulting – the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning and succumbed to mom’s excellent “mom skills.”

Fast forward many decades and I’m now that parent of young adults. When they visit, I find myself waiting on them hand and foot, making sure they have everything they need and generally spoiling them. And I love it.

I also feel the need pitch in when I visit them at their own homes. This happened recently when I took a trip to see my very capable, 32-year-old daughter last month. Minutes after arriving at her house, I began surveying what I could do to be helpful.

I went on a grocery run while she was at work the next day, making sure to replenish her fridge and pantry with healthy foods and stock up on paper goods. You can never have enough back-up paper towels, napkins, toilet paper and Kleenex. Am I the only one who panics when down to the last roll of Charmin?

I also repotted a plant that was looking a little sad and had overgrown its container. It also needed a good watering. I did several loads of laundry, making sure there was a new bottle of detergent.

I took a trip to the neighborhood hardware store and purchased a standup toilet paper holder for her guest bath, along with some cleaning products. I emptied the trash cans and replaced the liners. I tidied up and sprayed down the kitchen counters. I was in the mom zone and once you start, it’s hard to stop.

It’s not that my daughter doesn’t keep a clean house or isn’t capable of doing all of this herself, she is - but she also works a demanding job as a health care provider, seeing patients all day and then spends many extra hours charting at home. It makes for an exhausting day.

I wanted to make her life a little easier on the home front - and for the most part, she appreciated it. Okay, she wasn’t as impressed as I had hoped by the cupboards full of paper goods and I probably overdid the snack cabinet. When she took a look at the newly repotted plant, I knew it wasn’t long for this world.

As a retiree with plenty of time on my hands, it’s hard not to want to help out, particularly when it’s your offspring and you see that there’s so much to do. But I have learned that it’s important not to overstep or offer what could be construed as critical commentary. In other words, keep well-meaning decorating advice to yourself.

When I visit my son and his family, I mostly pitch in by entertaining their very active 15-month-old, giving them a chance to run a few baby-free errands or even just do things around the house without worrying about a toddler mishap.

I clean up after myself but generally stay out of their way. And like the typical doting grandma, I spoil the baby with toys and clothes, reading and playing with her. It’s a different dynamic with sons versus daughters, and when grandchildren are involved.

I think the main reason parents want to help their adult children around the house stems from memories of how hard it was to manage so much all at once when we were doing it.

Navigating a demanding career. Cleaning and maintaining a home. Shopping and making meals after a long day. Starting a family and caring for young children. Paying the bills. Taking care of the car, the lawn, the pets.

There’s just so much to juggle in life that you can’t blame a parent for wanting to help out - even if it’s just for a little while. To be honest, we could all probably use a well-meaning parental pitch-in now and then. Who’d like a toilet paper stock-up?

Readers share their parental strategies for pitching in, when to help and when to back off:

Willie Hanson: “I like to do things for my daughter that she doesn’t like to do. I fold her family’s clothes - which are always waiting for me, and I empty the dishwasher. I feel good that she appreciates it.”

Jan Fisher: “I can’t help myself. If I see something that needs to be done, I have to assist.”

Cheryl Olson: “It’s very fine line to walk.”

Rita Dreschel: “They explicitly tell me not to do laundry, vacuum, or cook. They “let me” do mending projects.”

Jennifer Kapolnek: “I cleaned a really icky microwave once on a visit to help my daughter in law while my son was out of town, so now there’s a running joke about dirty microwaves. I make sure mine is spotless when they come to visit!”

Teresa Schluter: “Every time I visit my son, daughter-in-law and grandson, I do what feels like weeks’ worth of laundry, clean the kitchen, do the dishes or whatever else is needed to help. I see it as they are exhausted from having a child who requires little sleep. I do the same for my daughter. Sort of makes me feel like I’m still taking care of them.”

Kim Arnold: “I think it depends on the intent. Cleaning something because you don’t approve of it or want to control the situation is different than doing something out of love, right? Stocking the pantry is love!”

Dori LeVanti: “There’s a fine line between helping and overstepping. Being a “type A “ person who loves to be in charge, and working as an elementary teacher, I am used to telling and just doing. I have to consciously work at staying in my lane with my adult kids.”

Kathy Young: “I may order Amazon necessities as a surprise on occasion - okay, maybe frequently.”