Thoughts on "The Let Them Theory"

Can this book change your life?

“No matter what happens around you, you decide how it will affect you.” – Mel Robbins, from “The Let Them Theory.”

I’m a big fan of “The Mel Robbins Show” – it’s one the most listened to podcasts worldwide. She’s smart, funny and down to earth. She has interesting guests and they discuss things we can all relate to; relationships, health, self-esteem, etc.

When I heard about her new book “The Let Them Theory,” I was curious if it would follow the same theme. It quickly became a New York Times best-seller and seems to be on everyone’s reading list.

In a nutshell, the book reminds us that we have no control over other people - nor should we. As Robbins points out, “We all have moments where we try to control the world around us… It’s exhausting, isn’t it?” She goes on to explain, “When you say “let them”, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you.”

I am a little wary of self-help books in general. They usually claim to transform the reader’s life by following just a few simple steps. Yet, “The Let Them Theory” is based on a philosophy that, on the surface seems so obvious - it just might work.

“Focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power lies.”

While “let them” is the overarching theme and a catchy title, there’s a lot more to just invoking those two words. Most of us spend too much time trying to control what other people do, or thinking about ways we can change their behavior.

We do it with strangers who are driving too slow in front of us, or inconveniencing us in any way. We do it with friends or family when we disagree on issues or actions. And we do it when we feel scared or anxious. Yet, as Robbins points out: “Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become. Trying to control other people doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them.”

The second part of the let them theory is “Let Me.” “When you say “let me”, you’re tapping into that power to take responsibility for what you do, think and say next.”

Letting others live their lives

Early in the book, the author shares personal experiences that sparked her to write the “Let Them Theory.” In one, she is scrolling through Facebook and sees a post showing several of her girlfriends on a weekend getaway - without her. She went through the various emotions; feeling left out, feeling angry, wanting to confront them, wondering what was wrong with her, etc.

She writes, “I felt myself wanting to reach out to them and fix it. Call, text. Anything to make the anxiety go away. That’s when the two words came in and saved me from myself. Let them… Let them go on the trip. Let them take the weekend together.” She adds, “At first those words felt like rejection… But then I realized something important: Let them… was about releasing myself from the control I never had in the first place.”

How many of us have had a similar experience? I know I have. It’s awful to to feel left out, but people are allowed to live their lives and do (and post) whatever they want. As Mel would say “just let them.” Of course, we can’t expect to say those two magic words - and voila, all jealousy and anger dissolves. It’s a mindset and a practice that takes time and self-reflection.

Why can’t everyone like me?

In a chapter about needing to be liked, Robbins points out that nobody is universally liked. Even our loved ones don’t like us all the time. Still, it’s human nature to wonder why certain people - who we are kind, friendly and helpful to give us the cold shoulder. But maybe it’s not about us at all.

The older, and hopefully wiser, I get, the less I worry about others’ opinions of me. If I offend or disappoint someone I care for and respect - like my mother or a close friend, I’ll be disappointed in myself - but I don’t expect to be liked by everyone. The book explains the need to be liked and offers advice on how to stop caring about what others think of us.

Why can’t I change others?

Robbins devotes several chapters to relationships and the desire to control and change others. Nagging always backfires. Who wants to be told they need to lose weight, quit drinking, get better job or any number of things we just know would improve their lives? They already know what they need to do. When we think we know what’s best for others, even loved ones, it’s hard to see the fault in our methods.

Instead, she offers this advice; “Using the “Let Them Theory,” you must step back and allow adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions. Instead of rescuing, offer support with conditions. This approach helps them take responsibility for their own healing and growth, and demonstrates your belief in their innate ability to get better and do better.”

Real life applications?

As I made my way through the book, I found myself bringing it up to friends and family as situations arose. While chatting before an exercise class with some neighbors, one woman was lamenting her adult son’s drastic weight gain. She felt hopeless in motivating him to go on a diet. Another was upset that a mutual friend was giving her the cold shoulder. Passages from “The Let Them Theory” came to mind and I recommended they read it. Will they take my suggestion as helpful or as meddling? I’ll “let them” make that call.

At the end of the book, Robbins offers a few final thoughts. One in particular, resonated with me, “This book isn’t really about other people. It’s about you. If you think it’s about them, you’ve missed the point… The truth is simple: YOU hold the power. And YOU are the one who’s been giving it away.”

This is one self-help book that was definitely worth my time. If you’ve read it, I’d love to hear your thoughts.